My Worst Enemy

I am my own worst enemy.  When something happens, I like to kick myself so that when someone else does, maybe it won’t hurt as bad because the heat of it has already taken place.  I am smack dab in the middle of this right now.  I am not writing this blog as someone who has walked through and can now offer advice.  I am writing this blog as someone who is struggling.  And someone who desperately needs to be reminded of truth. 

This week, I have been in a wrestling match with myself.  And y’all, I am struggling to bounce back.  I can’t just accept myself as a sinful human, apply grace, and move on.  First of all, I don’t like to be corrected—well, honestly, because I think I know it all. It un-nerves me to be corrected.  But then when I do stand corrected, war begins.  Between myself and my expectations of who I think I should be.  

And then disappointment.  Who likes to disappoint?  Not me.  I hate it. 

When I have shown myself to be less than perfect, I like to hide my face.  And that is a good thing to some extent.  It is showing my humanity. And my need for grace.  

And there is nothing new under the sun. 

When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, their imperfections were exposed and THEY HID.  They used fig leaves.  I am sure it is all they could get their hands on. But then, God, being so great in mercy,  provided a more sufficient covering for them.  That covering was an animal that was slain for them.  Blood was shed. There was a sacrifice.

“The next day he saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”

John 1:29

And this Lamb was slain.  Blood was shed.  There was an atrocious death.  Something much greater than animal skin is covering me, even in this very moment.    Even when I choose to sit in defeat and continue to fight with myself.  His grace is here and his grace is sufficient.  I am not clothed in some random animal skin.  I am dressed in royalty, in his robe of righteousness.  And I really can stop beating myself up for petty little mistakes or even for my biggest sins, because God’s wrath has been fully poured out on that Lamb, Jesus Christ. 

And the sweet, sweet promise that I found this week in Hosea reassures me of this.   

(I have LOVED digging deeper into this and studying this passage this week)

"How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
    How can I hand you over, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
    How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart recoils within me;
    my compassion grows warm and tender.
  I will not execute my burning anger;
    I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
    the Holy One in your midst,
    and I will not come in wrath."

 Hosea 11:8-9

It is pertinent that I preach this gospel to myself every single day of my life.  No matter how many times I mess up, fall short of my expectations for myself, or just totally blow it, God’s word tells me that this sacrifice is eternal and secure.  Now this is good news, and enough to pull anyone, even sassy me, out of a funk and fall face down with gratitude. 

 ^“…he entered once for all into the holy places, not by means of the blood of goats and calves but by means of his own blood, thus securing an eternal redemption.”  

Hebrews 9:12