Hurts So Good

I know what is coming.  Tomorrow, something is going to be drastically different about my life.  I can't sleep, but I don't want to take anything to make me sleep because that is exactly what has gotten me to this point.  AND THEY KNOW IT.  I am pretty sure I can't hide any longer.  They are on to me. 

These are the thoughts going through my mind on this night two years ago.  

My life was in a million pieces, across two states.  

The next morning when I would wake up, and walk into my best friends house,

 my life would change forever.  

It was the hardest, best day of my entire life.  

January 9 was when my friends and pastor sat me down and called me out of darkness and sin and into the glorious light of Christ.  

It wasn't many days later that I surrendered to the Lordship of Christ.  

I traded my millions-of-pieces-of-a-life for his promise to make me whole.  

And he is staying true to his promise.  

I didn't wake up one day and decide I wanted to sell my soul to pills, trust me.  It was a slow fade.  And subtly and before I knew it, I was bowing down to this little "g" god.  

It became the most important thing in my life.  

I organized my life around it.  

It changed me.  

It controlled how I spent my time.  

It affected my relationships.  

It absolutely consumed me.  

And it got me to the darkest place of my life.  

I was ready to end my life.  

I was pursuing death, but at the very same time, perfect love was pursing me.  

God's irresistible love was chasing me down.  

Exposure:  it hurts so good.  

The freedom I felt when I knew I was exposed and I didn't have to live in darkness anymore is the most freeing place I have ever been.
When the light of God's truth started shining into my life, 

I could finally live.  

I look back on the past two years...and believe that God truly makes all things new.  

I am not the same. 

His word has cut the core of who I am and demanded a change.  

And this change isn't about me, at all. It is not so that people will look at me and think what a wonderful person I am.  

This is a story to show the greatness of our God. 

Now, this new love relationship I have with Christ has become

 the most important thing in my life.  

I now organize my life around him.  

He is changing me.  

And it has brought me to the most joyful days of my life.  

To God be the glory, great things he has done!

"This God-- his way is perfect.  

The Word of the Lord proves true.  

He is a shield for all who take refuge in him"

Psalm 18:30

How Do You Measure A Year?

 

Here is my token year-end post. 

 Except I am not gonna wrap up 2013 here. 

OK, maybe I am. 

I am anxious about the New Year. 

Not because I am nervous about keeping my New Years Resolutions

(I don't think I have any-- except to run a 5k) . 

Not because maybe 2014 will be the year I meet the love of my life. 

But because 2013 was just. so. good. 

I know, I know, you people probably hate reading about how great everyone else's life is

(insert eye roll here).

But y'all, 2013 goes down in the books for me. 

Was it easy?  Absolutely not. 

Did I come across some large sums of money?  Not hardly. 

Did all of my dreams come true?  Negative. 

For me, 2013 was notable because it was refining, real, and revealing. 

(I feel like I am about to start a 3-point sermon...)

Refining:  The old Katy has to go.  I am new in Christ. 

So 2013 (and every year hereafter) called for a-whole-lotta surrender. 

It's no longer about me. 

Oh, has this been stretching!  But, ultimately, so good. 

 I am learning to organize my life around scripture and the leading of the Holy Spirit and not just fit in God where I want to. 

I am in for the complete overhaul.

And I have learned to stand for truth.  Even if it means standing alone.
 Because in the end, it is the ONLY thing that stands. 
This is what I want to build my entire life on.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

Real:  Working a real job and maintaining my "home" (albeit a tiny apartment) is the norm.  Relationships are messy, and so is sin. 

And the way I walk through this life matters in light of eternity.
"Life" is not just a game that can be avoided and that I can turn a blind eye to.   

God is real. 

He is true and faithful to every single word that he speaks to us through his word. 

Even the hard words like "God will not be mocked" and "You reap what you sow". 

"This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30

Revealing: I scratched the surface on learning who I am.

Sure, a 32 year old should know who she is, what she likes, what makes her tick, etc, etc, etc. 

But I really haven't up until this point. 

I am way more introverted than I ever thought,

(don't get me wrong, I am still extroverted, but I have seen my need & desire for alone time-- maybe because I am FINALLY just a tiny bit comfortable in my own skin)

I love early bed times and watching the sun rise with a cup of coffee. 

Consistency, set schedules, and a clean apartment set me in motion.  

I function at my peak when I am eating healthy and exercising regularly. 

I love a simple life. 

I love to give.

I really do have a tender side. 
I learned to love the church. 
I learned a lot about who I am and how God made me and how he is working his plan out in my life.  I actually embrace the story God has given me, and I don't want to hide my face in shame. 
Because it is a story about his relentless love for his beloved daughter. 
Because really, it has little to do with me. 
And EVERYTHING to do with him. 

 

And there is so much more to learn as I grow in my security in Christ.

He knows me all too well, and loves me just the same. 

              "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

Psalm 139:14-16

 

What excites me about all of this, is that I have TASTED. 

Oh, I have tasted and I see that The Lord is so very good. 
(Psalm 34:8)

And his character is to only get sweeter. 

Because everyday that I live, it is a day closer to seeing his face. 

 

So, here's to 2014-- you've got a lot to live up to. 

 

I just hope I stay awake to see the New Year roll around! 

     

Adventures of Advent

Have you ever slowed down to really take in the season of Advent?  

I had paid it no attention other than seeing the Advent candles lit at church during the month of December until this year.  I am doing Desiring God's devotional and it has radically changed the way I view the story of the birth of Jesus.  

I will just be honest with you and tell you that I had only heard the words of the Christmas story and never really let them soak in until now.  

One of the devotionals in particular is staying with me.  

                                                                                                                                           And Mary said,

“My soul magnifies the Lord,and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior..."

Luke 1:46

Last week, I was in Kentucky for work and I got back yesterday.  

I had two different Christmas parties last night, and it was such a joy to be around everyone!  And although I had driven all day, I wasn't even tired! 

Well, when I got in last night, it hit me.  

I was overwhelmed.  I realized I have very few gifts bought.  I was whining.   

I was short tempered.  I was just a mess.  I was exhausted to the point of tears.  

The laundry was PILED in my room.  I had no groceries for the upcoming week.  

My apartment wasn't clean (well, to my standard anyway).   

Right here in my little loft apartment, the world was ending.  

I even woke up in a panic this morning wondering how I could possibly get everything done that I have to do.  

And the Holy Spirit gave me a gentle nudge 

"You are magnifying the wrong things, Katy."  

I was sobered.  

Had I really numbed down my soul so much that my version of that verse could have said, 

"My soul magnifies the laundry and my spirit rejoices in a clean apartment and getting my Christmas shopping done..." ?? 

Shame on me.  

Jesus, Emmanuel.  Do we really understand what that means?  

He has come down for us.  He was sent from Heaven to be our ransom.  

He gave up Heaven so that we might one day gain it.  

HE GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR US.    

And I worry and obsess about laundry.  Puh-lease.  

We are created to make much of SOMETHING. We will worship.  
Maybe, for you, that is somebody.  
Maybe it's a status.  Maybe it's your children, home, 
and yes, even as trivial as it sounds,  laundry.  
 We are created to worship and magnify something greater than ourselves.  

So what about you?  What are you magnifying today? 

I hope you are rejoicing in the promise that he has come,

 and that he will surely come again.  

Let's magnify The Lord and him ALONE together this Advent Season.  

P.S.  The laundry is done, the apartment is clean, and the world didn't end. 

Friendship

Tonight as I was starting to pack for a trip for work, I had to go get my big suitcase in my storage room.  It has been years since I opened that suitcase, so what fell out when I opened it was a surprise and a little sentimental. 

 

Throughout college, and the few years after, I was in a ton of weddings. 

26 to be exact. 

26 weddings=26 dresses. 

Let's get gut-level honest here: you do not wear bridesmaids dresses ever again after the wedding.  With the exception of maybe a few.
Maybe. 

Well, I didn't want to just throw away all of the dresses, so I had them made into pillows. 

Tonight, when I opened that suitcase, I saw those pillows, all different colors, shapes, and sizes.
 And realized a little piece of my heart is attached to each one. 

As the pillows flowed from the suitcase, my heart flooded with gratitude.  

 

I have the very best friends in the entire world. 

 

If we are friends, then WE ARE FRIENDS. 

Probably a little more like sisters. You may get tired of me. 
I may show up at your family events.  You will probably hear from me multiple times a day. 

I will be a recent contact, or maybe even a "favorite" in your iPhone. 

 Friendship is super important to me. 

And I have been blessed to have so many different friends in all of my stages of life. 

 

If I started to name them all, I would surely leave a whole slew of them out. 

 

My High School friends were the ones I played sports with, had my first double dates with, and had the most fun slumber parties with. 

We thought we knew it all and come to find out, we hadn't scratched the surface. 

 

My Phi Mu & College Friends journeyed with me during the most confusing times in my life. 

I look back and see how those years were preparing me for the independence that I craved. 

 

My Campus Outreach/JSU girls are the ones who were with me when
 I first heard of the love of Jesus. 

We dug deep into God's word, we were silly, we lived together, we had more inside jokes that you could ever imagine, and we prayed for husbands and children together. 

All of these women are married with beautiful children now and it is a joy to see the prayers we prayed so long ago being answered. 

They are raising a godly heritage and I know our Heavenly Father is pleased. 

 

And I have friends who were very short lived but served a great purpose. 

 

And my small group at The Gathering. 

These ladies are showing me what it means to love people sacrificially. 
Most have opened their homes to students and are sharing their entire lives with them. 
Some have started an orphanage in Togo, Africa and are obeying God by loving on those orphans.  One in particular is showing me by her everyday life what it means to honor God, in every way, but namely in your body by exercise and eating healthy. This has been life changing for me. 

What an inspiration she has become and one of my very dearest friends.

 

And then I have a few forever friends. 

 You just know when people are forever friends.
Two are younger than me and one is older. 
We have the kind of friendship that Jonathan and David did in the Bible.

 

One is 26, on foreign soil, giving her life to the Dalits in India. 
She is helping to rescue women from human slavery in the form of sex trafficking.
 I pray I can give my life away as she does one day.  

 

Another is living and raising a family in Jacksonville, AL.
I am known as Aunt T to her daughter.
This girl opened her home to me when I was at my rock bottom. 
I am always a handful, I know (self awareness!!!) but, at the time I lived with her and her husband, I.was.a.mess. 

I had wreaked havoc everywhere. 

Yet, she loved me, took me in, and stood by my side until I could get the help I needed. 

On her couch is where the scales fell off of my eyes and I saw Jesus for who he truly is. 

 

And the last one I mentioned is one of the most unexpected relationships I think I will ever have.  While I was at New Life, I had prayed for a godly woman to disciple me. 
That was the extent of my prayers.  I
 didn't even know what I needed, but my Heavenly Father sure did. 

This friend has taken me by the hand day by day and is walking through life with me.

I get to see what a godly, long-lasting marriage looks like. 

I see her husband love her as Christ loves the church.

She has shown me more about loving my Heavenly Father than she will ever know. 

Eternity will be different because she chose to remain patient and love me the way Christ does. 

A true forever friend, indeed. 

 

None of the people I mentioned are in the same stage of life as me anymore. 

All but one are married.
Most have children, some grown, some fresh out of the womb. 

They live all over the world. 

Yet, our hearts are forever knitted together. 

Tonight, when I saw the pillows, I thought it might be more appropriate to have had a quilt made to represent the way God has knitted together all different pieces of my life to form something beautiful.  

You ladies have, in some way, shown me Jesus. 

             I can only pray I can do the same for my friends.
          And it is so much fun to walk through life with you all!!         

 

 

 

Running & Redemption

 I have, for most of my adult life, hated running. 

 Loathed it.

I played sports in High School and when I was late to practice, or when I missed a free throw, or if a ground ball got by  me, the punishment was running.  I was always the one who said "If I am running, come rescue me, because something must be chasing me." 

 

But secretly, (ok, not-so-secretly anymore now that I have put it on my blog)

I have always, always, always wanted to be a runner.

   People inspire me.  I once went to watch the Nashville marathon.  I left so motivated that I went home, SPRINTED a mile, and haven't even thought of running since then. 

 

 I was getting bored with my exercise routine, and a friend suggested I train for a 5k. 

Guess what?  I am training for a 5k. 

Most people train for marathons, I know, but not this girl. I had no idea how much more I was going to learn ABOUT LIFE by simply starting the couch-to-5k running plan. 

So far, (I am on week 6) running has been more about character development than training for the Red Shoe Run in Homewood, AL in January.   

 

I didn't know God wanted to reveal himself with me through this process, but he absolutely is. 

 I understand more of why Paul compares our journey of faith to a "race".

 

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.'

1 Timothy 4:7

 

Getting outside to get started was the hardest part.  Doing something that I do not want to do has never been a strong point of mine.  And I knew this about myself when I initially said I wanted to run the 5k.  So, I paid upfront.  Something is invested, so I can't give up. There is a goal in mind. There is so much to anticipate when I cross that finish line after RUNNING a 5k.  My training will pay off. 

I can only imagine that I will be so excited!! Looking to my goal keeps things in perspective. 

And how much more glory will be revealed when I see Jesus' face?

 

Training for this 5k hasn't exactly been convenient.  With the time change, it almost gave me a reason not to do it.  It's dark when I get off work, there isn't enough time before work, and I can't train on a treadmill and expect it to be the same as running outside.  But I am seeing that I make time for what is important to me.  I take it one day at a time, and

I don't look ahead to tomorrow's workout. 

There is enough time in everyday to do what God has planned for me to do. 

  

At first, I would run on trails where I knew I wouldn't see anyone.  I didn't want anyone to see me running.  I am slow. I am definitely not the typical body type for a runner.  I would make sure not to look up and make eye contact with anyone.  But as the weeks have gone on, I have started noticing that friendly smile from a fellow runner...and that smile

 is what keeps me persevering.  That "thumbs up" I get from someone passing

by is irreplaceable. I haven't always seen my need

for my fellow "runners", but now they are a huge part of my training for that day. 

And we all have one goal in mind: to finish our run for that day.  And running alongside others, well it motivates me.

And so it is with me and all of my fellow runners, in the race of faith. 

 

Another excuse I always used was my foot.  While my foot does have its legitimate weaknesses, it is not paralyzing.  Actually, running is making my foot much stronger.  I do take "off days" to rest my foot.  I need to rest it. 

But I do not need to let my weakness be used as a reason not to meet my goal. It's a form of a trial, not a roadblock. I will not give up.  Even when it is painful!

 

I love that God takes the mundane, ordinary events in our life and reveals himself to us.  Often in unexpected places. Now that I am into it, it's not so bad.  I actually look forward to it SOMEDAYS.  But I know that the training is preparing me for an even bigger goal.  And I see progress.

 

And so it is with my race of faith...my ordinary days of "training" are preparing me

for an even greater day.  The ultimate day!

 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God...

 

...for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

 

(Hebrews 12:1-2, 11)

 

 

Will We Eat in Heaven?

 

I was asked this question yesterday, and of course I didn't know the answer.  I mean, will we eat in Heaven?  Will it be manna or will it be feasts?  Or will it be the best pizza you can find?  And does it really matter?  And I say yes.  Yes, it does matter. 

 

The point of asking me that question wasn't really to get me to figure out if we would eat in Heaven or not.  It was to point me to a greater purpose and to shift my perspective. 

What things really matter in light of eternity?  Will what I wore to church on Sunday really matter?  How about what so-and-so thinks of how my apartment looks? 

And how it is decorated? 

What about my iPhone? 

And what about that longing for a new car that I have? 

 

What really matters in light of eternity? 

Those are the things that my time, energy, and sacrifice should pour into. 

Which relationships should I really invest in? 

And the big one-- and the one that made this little emotional female cry-- will an earthly marriage even carry over into eternity? 

 

Gulp. 

 

I just don't live in light of eternity, most of the time.

I know that because of the anxiety I feel when something (silly) goes wrong in my everyday life. 

I do think that new car will make me happy. 

I think a husband will provide companionship that I long for.   

I think my reputation and what people think are very important.

And really, all I am doing is wasting time here, if I long for these earthly things.

 I want to see things with the spiritual eyes God has given me, but so often, the world and it's demands and expectations take my eyes away.

I want to live my life "...on Earth as it is in Heaven..."

I want to live with the mind and heart that this is the only thing that truly matters...

 

 "After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!”

Revelation 7:9-10

 

 

Taking Back Eden

My heart LONGS for Eden.  That perfect place where God and humans walked hand-in-hand without shame or guilt.  The place that my heart was created to reside.  The place with no more sin.  And the more I walk with God and study his word, the more I see that my purpose is to join him in "Taking Back Eden."  That is why I am here.  To love as he loved.  To be passionate about what he is passionate about.  To walk a redemptive path with my Creator.  Looking to him for my very next breath and even taking the time to rest with him, and in him.
Ultimately, to prepare for his return.

I can get so hurried and anxious and out of time that I lose it. 
I lose vision, I lose stamina, I lose love for myself and others, and I lose sight of my purpose. I overcommit. I forget to be thankful.  I live for myself and for my glory.

  

...And here come the holidays. 
THANKSGIVING:  A holiday set aside to remember what we are thankful for.  I read a blog the other day that said November is the most likely month that one will be diagnosed with depression.  And that doesn't surprise me. 
And I am no exception. 
The time change affects me greatly, finances are more stretched during the holidays, and as a single person, honestly, holidays can be a dread.
But, do you hear a pattern?  All of those factors are external. 

(By the way, I love the "I am thankful for..." posts on Facebook. 
What a perspective and how encouraging!
 A refreshing change of pace from the "norm" on Facebook!)

This Thanksgiving, as I think about joining with my Heavenly Father in "Taking Back Eden", I choose to look to him and I choose gratitude.
 I choose joy. 
I choose to live in his grace.
I choose to extend grace.
And I choose to share grace.
I choose to look to his promises that fill me with hope. 
I choose to look upon the face of my Savior. 
I choose to thank him:
for who he is, for who he is making me, for the gifts AND trials he gives me, and for who you are. 
I choose to walk hand in hand with him, to love, and to anxiously await the coming of my Savior. 

"...But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ..."
Philippians 3:20