Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The "D" Word

Do you ever feel the effects of your sin? 
OK, stupid question, I know the answer to that.   
Whether we know it or not, we daily experience the effects of our sin.  We really do reap what we sow.  

This is an area I have rarely touched on in a blog post.  
Probably because this is an area in which I have experienced the discipline of the Lord.  
 But one of the areas I am reminded of my selfish choices and clear rebellion is with my former career choice, nursing.

I am about to get really vulnerable here. (Ready?)

Looking back, I can say that I chose to go into nursing for all of the wrong reasons.   
The money.  The title.  To feed my ego. 
And dare I say it:  to feed my addiction.   
Would I have said that when trying to get into nursing school, while in clinical, or even in my little "perfect" job at The Kirklin Clinic? 

Well, no.  
 Truth is, I probably didn’t know but I can assure you I didn’t care. 

A little background: during my time at New Life, God did heart surgery.  He had me in a place where I could only look to him.  I had to ask him for answers.  I sought him about what to do with my nursing license because they were in jeopardy. 
I knew if there wasn’t a concrete and final decision while I was there, chances were slim that I would make a rational decision when I got out. 
 So, God gave me the answer that I sought.  
 Not the answer I was looking for or anticipating, but the answer that would ultimately foster my relationship with him.  

“...And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into hell…”
Mark 9:43-46

In a very clear way, God, through his word, said  “Sever it.  Make no provision for your flesh.  Cut it off.”  Through many tears, yet confident and with no questions asked, I called The Nursing Board and surrendered my license.   

A glory moment, for sure.  

But I know and now believe that God will not be mocked.  He says it.  It is true.  We can take it to the bank.  
 So, that brings me to my point: the effects. 
  There are still consequences from that decision to gratify my flesh and go about my business and become a nurse.   
And it is because I chose, time and time again, to believe a lie over God’s truth.   
There is a pretty hefty student loan that I am paying.   
There is a job that I lost. 
 (That means me deflating my ego and being honest about "why" to people who ask.)   
There are people that I love and believed in me that I hurt while in that stage of life.   
My pride hurts when I talk about it. 

...but my heart is full of joy because he is weeding out the idols in my life so that I will worship him only...  

My heart longs to experience this joy every single day of my life.  This is why I was created. 
For communion with him, and obedience to him. 

In it all, I see just how faithful God is to his word and to his children.  He has allowed me to really experience his faithfulness.  He knew that if I stayed in Nursing, I would worship something other than him.   
Truth be told, I more than likely wouldn’t see my need for him. 
I would have it all: access to pills, money, recognition, status, and probably even meet a few single doctors my age along the way. 

He knows exactly what I need.  He knows what you need.  We need him.  

And he will make radical changes in our lives so we see that need, too.

So I am thankful that God disciplines, reproves, and corrects.   
It gives me confidence that I am his daughter, that he is committed to me, and that he will not allow me to give my soul over to another. 

“…And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.”
Hebrews 13:5-8

Do I regret the choice I made of going into nursing?  Absolutely not. I have learned so much from it.
Do I grieve over breaking the heart of God because of my rebellion in that choice? 
More than you will ever know.  

"But he gives more grace..."
James 4:6

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