Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Very Best Two Years...

"I don't really know what my emotions are, I just know I have a headache.  I am on my way to treatment and I have knots in my stomach.  I am ready to change but so scared of the process.  I don't want to be broken like this, but Lord, I want to be made whole."

Those are words that I journaled as my friend drove me to treatment.
Deep down, I knew this was a time I would never want to forget.
This was my first sober day.  
That was 730 days, or two years ago, today.  

My first sober day was painful.
As my mind started to clear from the fog that drugs had left me in,
I started feeling the pain of my sin.
My body ached.  My heart ached. And I had not felt anything in years.  I had literally killed my soul.
But as time went on, I got my emotions back (oh BOY, did I get my emotions back!!)
I felt alive.
But I still had no idea that he was preparing me for such a full life, rooted in him.
I had no idea that on that November day when I would leave treatment,
my life would truly begin again.  

My worst days now are infinitely better than my very best days in addiction. 
The past two years have been so full.  

Full of change.  There are very few things about my life now that are the same as they were 2 years ago.  Location, job, ambition, desires, goals, dreams, focus, hobbies, reactions, you-name-it. 
I surely do not live for the same things.

Full of joy.  Joy that can only come from The Lord.  It hasn't been a "breeze", but I have a living hope that does not change as my circumstances do.
There have been many tears shed, but my joy is in something that tears cannot wash away. 

Full of hope.  I no longer wake up dreading the day because my hope is in the
risen Christ who has conquered all.  Whatever I face has been filtered through the GOOD hands of my heavenly Father who works it all for my good. 

Full of friendships.  New ones, and restoration and healing of the old.
All of which encourage me to press on to know the Lord.

God has replaced that desire I had for drugs and alcohol with a desire to know him today.
In the same way that my body craved drugs two years ago, my heart longs to be with him today.
I remember using every bit of energy that I had on getting my next "fix".
My prayer is that my energy will now be exerted in pursuing God in that way.
I fail him daily but his love has never-- and will never fail me.   It just keeps pursuing my heart.
I just want to know him and be made like him.  And I want others to experience this good gift.
And I know that this is a good gift of his grace.  

I credit no one or nothing else for this day.  Not even myself. 

You are good and do good; teach me your statutes.
Psalm 119:68  

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