How Much Do You "Like" Me?

Do you "like" me? Do you approve?

Do not get me wrong, I love Facebook. A whole lot. I love seeing pictures. I love knowing what everyone is up to on the weekends. I love the communication it provides. But in all honesty, I love it too much. I think there can be good things that come from it. But I also know the fantasy world of intimate friendships that Facebook has taken me to. It's my go-to. When I am lonely, it is where I run. When I was in my active addiction, it truly was the only avenue I would use for interaction. It gives me this momentary, false sense of "everything is ok, you are not really alone". And it quickly leaves. And twenty minutes later, I am checking to make sure all of you are still out there. And to really make sure you all still "like" me and approve, I will post a status update. Or a blog post. Or a picture. Just to see all the likes and comments roll in.

Katy Watters, you were created for more than that. You were created for a deep, real, intimate relationship with the King.

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."
Psalm 63:1-8


"Abide in me, and I in you.
As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.
I am the vine; you are the branches.
Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
John 15: 4-5

And then I play the all-too-familiar game of comparison when I am checking Facebook. This past weekend, it was terrible. Jealousy set in. Discontentment flooded my heart. Envy was making me miserable. What kind of true community and fellowship is that? It's not at all. But this:

"...And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved."
Acts 2: 42-47

This is true fellowship with other believers.

Facebook is not eternal, but the time I have spent  wasted would tell you otherwise. And if I am honest, the people that I am genuinely friends with and live in real community with, I hardly have any interaction with on Facebook.

I do not think a thing is wrong with Facebook in and of itself, only what I have allowed it to become in my life. I have put it before God and other believers time and time again. I have been fooled to believe that this would fill the void that I feel at times.

Facebook has turned into such an idol in my life, giving me momentary satisfaction and leaving me empty and craving true fellowship with my maker at the end of the day.

And the irony of this blogpost is that probably no one will read this because I won't be posting it on Facebook! :)

Flying Solo

Being single is not the norm.  

Following Christ is the narrow road.  

Being single and a Christian...whoa! 

Looks like I am just trying to be different, huh?

I'm really not!  I have always been a main-streamer.  But not so much with this.  These are just a few things my life consists of these days, relating to following Christ as a single thirty-something. 

It is so easy to live a secret life as a single person. I have to choose to expose myself and live in the light.    This is why I have chosen to really press into the body of Christ.  This is why I have an extremely high level of accountability.  This is why I love my friends with my whole heart.  This is why I have chosen consistency over fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants. I need to be known. 

I will not be meeting my future husband at a bar.  And that is where the majority of single men hang out.  I choose to hold out and trust God for his very best, and something tells me his best isn't across the street at Lucy's Afterlife.   

It is UNBELIEVABLY easy to be self-centered.  We all struggle with this, I know.  God has designed me to be a thinker, an over-analyzer, and introspective person. So I can absolutely drive myself crazy, make something out of nothing, and forget there is a world out there.  Let me reiterate, I am selfish. 

There just aren't many people in the same boat.  God has put me in a place in my life that I don't necessarily feel like I have to be empathized with to feel understood.  The people I am choosing to surround myself with have one goal in mind: to know the true and living God. No matter race, marital status, background, whatever.  And you do not have to be single to do that.  As long as seeking God remains my goal, I will feel understood. But, if my goal shifts back into "FIND HUSBAND NOW MODE", I will feel misunderstood. 

 

These are just a few of the realities:
Sanctification means being set aside for holy use.  Sometimes, as single adults,  it feels like we are simply being set aside.  

We can upset the balance at a dinner table.  It can make for a really awkward situation if there is a married couple and me, and the wife has to leave the room.   

Seating at weddings can be ruined by a few single adults.  

And then, of course, the you-are-single-and-so-is-he scenario.  

Being single can feel shameful at times.  

The worst is when you are asked if you are dating someone, you tell them "no" and their response is a head tilt and a sad face with an "I'm sorry".  

Do not be sorry. 

 Singleness is not a period of waiting.  It is living.  It is giving.  It is availability.  It is good. 

 Do not hear me say that I want to stay single forever.  Some days, the longing for my own family physically hurts. Days that families spend together are usually cleaning and gym days for me.  Cooking for one is dang near impossible. I used to (and still do)  wonder if I have the gift of singleness.  The answer is yes.  Today, I have the gift of singleness. (Somedays, it is a gift I want to give back...) Will I have it forever?  Only God knows. So to live in the moment, enjoy God, pursue holiness, and "to make the most of every opportunity because the days are evil" (Ephesians 5:16) means to embrace it. And to become the most internally beautiful bride for my maker. I want to be pleasing to him.  To be anxious for him only. 

"And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit."

1 Corinthians 7:34 

    

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."

 Psalm 16:5-6

He is my portion.  And he is good.  

Treasure

I was cleaning my apartment last night (love turning on my music and cleaning....am I weird??) I was processing my day...just kind of rehearsing everything I had done, when I realized that something was off.  

THE DEPOSIT.  

At work, I take alot of rent.  So, that means a lot of money at the end of the day.  

(And it was August 1, so alot of people had come in to pay)  

I could not, for the life of me, remember what I did with that deposit.  

So I drop the Pledge and my Magic Eraser mop (you really should get one) and ran out the door to my office.  

I looked high and low.  In garbage cans.  In cabinets.  Under the copier.  Under the fax.  In outgoing mail.  In my car.  In my bag.  I even looked in the bathroom cabinet and refrigerator.  I tore the place down.  I was frantic.  I left the office, got halfway home, and turned around and went back to the office to look some more.  Just in case.  

 I knew I would not be able to rest until I found the deposit. 

And I was right.  

I did sleep, but I did not rest. I was up at 4:30 this morning, willing to do what I had to do to find that deposit!!

I get on "kicks" of listening to songs. This week it has been "You Revive Me"  If you haven't heard it, listen here.  During my search for the money, of course this song came to mind.

There is a line that says "You are the treasure I could not afford, so I'll spend myself 'till I'm empty and poor...all for you....you revive me, Lord."

  

That deposit was my treasure...

And my heart will always seek for a treasure.  That is why it was created.  But that treasure is NOTHING less than Jesus himself.  I will always come up empty handed  and disappointed if I look anywhere else. 

It is my prayer that I will seek the face of God with the same passion, diligence, and determination that I searched for that deposit.  I made that deposit my treasure for those 12 hours, and I was exhausted. But when I seek Christ as my treasure, he promises rest.  

Of course the outcome was good.  The money was found.  But I am thankful for what I learned.  It may seem like I over-spiritualized this to you, but I fully believe God uses all situations to reveal himself to us.  

What if I rose early with an anxious heart to seek the face of God?

What if I stayed up late?

What if I exhausted myself in my pursuit of him?

What if nothing else in this world would settle my heart until I found him?

What would my life look like?  

I bet it would look a whole lot different.  

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" - Matthew 6:21

500

Today marks 500 days of sobriety!  So I am going to make a list of 500 things....yeah, right.

Although I could make a list of atleast 500 things that I am grateful for since this journey began...I will spare you. 

(And no I don't count the days...I have a handy little app that does that for me...)

My first real sober day (March 18, 2012) was horrific. I thought there was no way I would experience many more.  It was the strangest feeling.  I hated it.  And then when I got to treatment, and heard that true sobriety meant no mood altering substances, ever...I just knew there was no way. Count me out.  But that is because I was thinking about how I was going to do it.  I was focused on what I was letting go of instead of what I was to grab onto.  And to me,  sobriety =  willpower.  

But as I am growing in my relationship with God, sobriety is taking on a whole new meaning.  Sobriety by definition is: to make or become more serious, sensible, and solemn.  And the gospel does that for me.  Yes, the absence of drugs and alcohol attributes, but Jesus Christ and his gospel really sobers me. It is changing me. 

My heart has been made new.

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." (Ezekiel 36:26)

Sobriety means letting the love of Christ control me rather than drugs or alcohol...

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died;  and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. (2 Corinthians 5:14)

And I better keep my eyes on him.  

Because the minute I give my wandering heart a chance, it is all about me and my flesh again. 

Getting clean was the easy part.  Because once I entered into that real relationship with Jesus, he quickly made it known that he wanted all of me and that nothing was off limits to him.  And true surrender means not resisting him, but letting him really change me.  Letting him sober me has been the most joyful, yet painful process.  

I am thankful beyond words on my 500th sober day to know the source of my sobriety. 

That Orange Moon

Alarm goes off at 4:30.  I got up at 5:23.  

My face is more broken out than a 15 year old girl going through puberty.  So much so, that makeup isn't an option.

Go to work feeling all off kilter and not very pretty. 

Wednesdays are a closed-office day...whew.  I can get some stuff done. Nope.  Forgot I scheduled interviews all day.  No makeup, mind you.

The rain.  Oh, the rain!  Fighting to stay awake.  Coffee Well's "Jamaican Me Crazy" flavored coffee should give me the jolt I need.  

Work day is over.  Apartment is a mess.  Cooked dinner and it was terrible.  Scarf some of it down because...well, I need to eat.  Company comes by.  Horrible hair day and to make matters worse, I see two very, very shiny gray hairs beaming. Get to church...finally.

Then I start wondering if I will make it to the gym after church (because if I don't this will be my new pattern and I will think it is ok not to go to the gym everyday!!) or if I should go home and clean with my new magic eraser mop. A million things are running through my mind.  

My pastor then leads us in a time of prayer.  We pray through 4 verses in Jude.  How I needed that time to seek my Father's face!  And get outside of myself in my little world. The focus has completely been on me. 

A friend from college came to church and it was so nice to sit down and hear what God has been doing in her heart since we saw each other years ago.  

Go to the gym.  No shoes in my gym bag.  

Go home, start cleaning.  Fold the mound of laundry on my couch.
Feeling a little more settled, I plop down on my chase lounge.

While I am eating my popcorn for dinner (DID YOU HEAR THAT?  POPCORN FOR DINNER!!!!), I realize how ridiculous my thought process has been.  And how unfocused I am.   

"Be still..." (Psalm 46:10)

While talking to a friend, she tells me to look at the moon...the bright, neon orange moon. Gorgeous. 

After we hung up, I just sat in my favorite chair and stared out my window at the moon.  And thought about God's faithfulness, even in the midst of what seems to be my chaos. Something about that moon brought me back to his faithfulness to me, his daughter who had sought security and satisfaction everywhere (other than him) all.day.long.

"I am the same.  Yesterday.  Today.  Forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

So many things are fighting for our hearts.  Whether it be time, vanity, our own sense of control, or "our plans".

But there is only one thing that cannot be taken from me. (Luke 10:42)

He wanted me to sit.  At his feet.  Like Mary. 

The whole "Martha" thing comes more natural to me than I'd like to admit.  

That is why I must fight to sit at Jesus' feet.

God used his people yesterday to help slow me down.  A reminder of why I must submerge myself in his church.  And his people. In discipleship. In edifying relationships.

He also used his creation.  That orange moon.  

 So, it really was ok for me not to wear makeup, feel not-so-pretty, have a messy apartment, eat popcorn for dinner, and skip a day at the gym.  Because he was calling me, through all of that, to sit at his feet.   

And to KNOW that he is God. 

 

Jesus > Addiction

"Relapse is a part of recovery."   

There are few statements that I hate more than this one. It makes me cringe.  Fear rises when I hear it. 

I think that statement sets those of us in recovery up for failure.  I remember when I expected to relapse.  Just wondering when it would happen.  I thought it would happen at Thanksgiving, or come around my one year sobriety date. 

Jesus is greater than addiction. 

He is far bigger than any relapse.  His grace goes deeper than any pit that pills or booze can throw me into.  His promises to keep me are true. 

I will put it out there: one of my greatest fears my greatest fear is relapse.  Going back into my "Egypt" that God has brought me out of is the last thing I WANT to do. When I first left treatment if you would have told me that jumping off a building backwards would have kept me sober, I would have done it 20 times.  I would have done anything to stay sober.  And I still will.  As long as it pushes me forward in my relationship with Jesus and keeps me sober. 

While relapse may be part of some people's story (maybe even mine...by the grace of God, I hope not), it doesn't have to be.  I do not know everything there is to know about recovery in general.   

 But I do know the source of my sobriety.   

It is only by his grace alone that anyone can overcome any addiction of any kind. 

I know that the next right thing in all situations is to keep my eyes on Jesus, the founder and perfecter of my faith.  And be obedient.  His commands are not burdensome. 

He has commanded us to flee.  To make no provision for our flesh.  And to put on his full armor.

Bottom line: Jesus is greater than our sin.  

And his grace is sufficient.  

He is greater than your addiction, whatever that is.  He is bigger than your struggles with homosexuality.  He is greater than your eating disorder.  He is greater than a bad day at work. He is even greater than your shopping addiction.

He has conquered sin and He is greater than the world. 

"...I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” 

 -John 16:33

Finally

I was 10 years old.  Like every good girl at VBS, I got “saved”.  My
dad said he was proud and everyone took pictures when I was baptized.

I was 21 years old.  I was so sick of partying, or so I thought.  I
heard the gospel for the very first time.  The true gospel.  The
you-are-dead-but-Jesus-can-change-that gospel.  I started studying
scripture.  I became a bit of a mini-theologian.  I spent many hours
debating the “L” in TULIP.  I shared this gospel.  I helped others
grow in their relationship with the Lord.  I was baptized in the Coosa
River.  The knowledge I gained during this time was absolutely not wasted.  But I chose to serve the false god of drugs and alcohol instead of the True and Living God.

I was 31 years old.  The concerned looks on the faces of some of my best friends are forever sketched in my mind.  They were tired of the lies.  They were sick of being manipulated and stolen from.  Their hearts ached at the thought of me killing myself.  

 But most of all, they hated seeing me break the heart of God. 
My pastor said they would do whatever it took to get me the help I
needed.  Finally, I was exposed.  Finally, I could get the help I
needed.  Finally, I could take off the unbelievably thick mask.  I
could quit juggling all of the acts required of me to keep this
circus of a thing called life going. Finally—a way out of the cycle of defeat that narcotics and vodka had left me in. 
Finally I could surrender. 

Finally I could be obedient. 

 And that is the difference.

"My eyes finally see you..." 

I tried to think of a cool blog name that had to do with grace and second chances.  But this kept coming to my mind.  It is my heart's song. 

I sort of pulled it from two different verses. 

" I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you..." -Job 42:5

 "And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher'. - Isaiah 30:20

I had to add in "finally".  Because in all of my searching, I was restless.  I knew there was something more than what I was experiencing.  I had prayed that all of the head knowledge would one day transfer to my heart.  I knew a whole lot about God, and I also knew that I was made for more. So when God brought me to my white flag moment, it was a relief.  Finally.  Finally, I could stand before God....in all of the mess that I created. Because He had sought me out, and I was finally free. Finally I could stop running.  I could rest in his arms, because believe me, I was exhausted.  

And for the first time in my life, I knew and believed with all of my heart that He loved me.  The unlovable girl that I have always believed that I am finally let herself be loved.  And I knew He had been pursuing me for "such a time as this".  All of those "twists" and "turns" that my life had taken now had a purpose. He never gave up.  I was dead, but by His grace, I now can live.  He opened my spiritual eyes to see Him.

He is so faithful!